The Underlayer: Fear, Clarity & Personal Growth for Mid-Life Professionals

Scared to Speak Up? How Childhood Fear Shapes Your Voice in Midlife

• David Young • Episode 6

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In this solo episode of The Underlayer, host David Young explores how childhood fear, especially around visibility and public speaking, quietly shapes our lives well into midlife.

David shares personal stories from growing up as the quiet kid in the back of the classroom, including a painful public speaking experience at age 14 that influenced how he used (or avoided) his voice for decades.

Through reflection and storytelling, this episode explores a powerful realization:

The thing that terrified you as a kid may be what you’re meant to heal as an adult.

If you’re a mid-life professional who looks successful on the outside but struggles with fear, anxiety, or self-expression on the inside, this conversation will help you see fear differently, not as something to eliminate, but as information pointing you forward.

Topics covered:

  • Childhood fear and adult behavior
  • Public speaking anxiety and fear of visibility
  • Personal growth and finding your voice
  • Why fear evolves instead of disappearing
  • How storytelling helps us heal and move forward

This episode is the foundation of David’s keynote, The Fear That Formed Me, and an invitation to stop letting fear quietly run the show.



The Underlayer YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/@the_under_layer

The Underlayer Podcast Website: https://www.theunderlayerpodcast.com/

David's LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/david-young-mba-indy/

SPEAKER_00:

If you've ever known you had something to say, but you still felt your body lock up at the idea of saying it out loud, then this episode is for you. Welcome to the underlayer where the real story lives beneath the surface. This podcast is for midlife professionals who look successful on the outside, but feel misaligned, stuck, or disconnected on the inside. I'm your host, David Young, and today's episode is a solo one. No guest, just me, talking through some stories from my childhood and upbringing and some insight that took me decades to understand. Maybe even as early as a couple weeks ago, finally putting it all together. We're specifically talking about fear today and the kind of fear that shows up early, stays quiet, ends up shaping far more of your life than you really ever realize. I'm going to take you back again through some stories from my childhood, specifically one uh when I was 14, and how it kind of rewired and made me think about my voice uh and my visibility through the rest of my life. Uh, and I want to explore a realization that I didn't have, like I said, until maybe even just as recently as two weeks ago. Uh, the thing that terrified me as a kid is what I was most meant to heal as an adult. So uh in this episode, I'll walk you through a few things. Uh first, how those early moments of fear quietly turned into lifelong rules about who we're allowed to be. And secondly, how fear doesn't disappear as we get older, but it does become more sophisticated and more reasonable and become uh different as we become adults. And finally, what changes when you finally step into your fear, uh lean towards it, and understand um that you're never going to eliminate it, but as you bring it closer, uh the very thing you've been avoiding can actually become the doorway to your calling, your voice, or your next chapter. So if you've ever felt pulled toward something that you keep postponing, or if you've outgrown a version of yourself that learned how to stay safe, uh or if you're wondering why the same fear keeps resurfacing, uh, no matter how many self-help books or journaling episodes or prompts you follow, uh, hopefully this episode will help you see it just a little bit differently. Um so yeah, so I was a quiet kid. I wrote about this today on LinkedIn. You know, I was an only child. My parents divorced when I was very young, and I just kept to myself. Uh I was an observer and I just watched, I gathered information, but I didn't really speak up. Um, small, small, close-knit group of friends really throughout most of my life, but definitely as a kid. Um and in school, I I mostly wanted to show up, listen, and do some work and go home. Uh, Jim was my favorite. And I sat in the back, I never wanted to be called on. I was terrified to ever have to read out loud. You know, they we had those textbooks, and they would be like, you know, David, read the first two paragraphs. I was like, uh, I don't know. I think everybody should probably just read those silently to themselves. They'd probably get more out of it than to hear me stumble through it. Um, you know, I just didn't like the sound of my voice. I didn't, I wasn't confident, and I didn't certainly want to ever volunteer or be caught on for anything. And I did that honestly through you know most of my schooling. Um I just I wanted other kids to talk. So if somebody else volunteered and raised their hand, uh hopefully they talk for the rest of the class period. So that would that would get me out of it. Um, so that really that went through again uh most of my life, honestly. But when I was in the ninth grade, which I was still at the junior high at that time, so my junior high was seven, eight, and nine, and then I didn't go to the high school until the following year when I was a sophomore. So my ninth grade year was the fall, it's around September, this would have been 1989, and I was at my friend Chris's house, uh the smartest kid in school. He never made a B. Uh, he majored in English in college and uh took just enough classes to get into med school, and he became a doctor. So he was quite smart. And I was at his house, we were friends, and he said, I think you should run for student council president. And I said, I think that's one of the worst ideas anyone has ever come up with. Like, you're crazy. And he was like, No, we'll do it as a joke. Like, you're not gonna win, but it'll be funny, and we'll just kind of make a mockery of it, and you'll be one of the candidates, and you won't get a lot of votes, but it'll be fun. I was like, that doesn't sound like fun. I don't know why we would do that. Um, I think I'm I'm fine just passing on that idea, but I let him talk me into it. Now he I think it was a dot matrix printer at the time, uh, but he got really into it. He printed out more white paper with gray ink with my name and student council president for student council president than probably was possible at the time. I mean, it was I don't even know how he got that much paper. He printed banners, uh, there were flyers, there may even have been some posters. Again, not complex, not nice, just white with gray black ink, like just very basic. Um, and his dad was an administrator at the school, so he got us in like a just a few days later on a weekend. I hadn't even said I was running, I wasn't even officially a candidate. And we went into the junior high, he and I, and we taped all of that paper everywhere. We plastered the school. Huge banner when you walk through the front doors, David Young, student council president, uh, eight and a half by eleven, sheets of paper everywhere, just all every I mean it was it was obscene, obnoxious, like just completely overwhelming. I mean, it was so overwhelming that everyone was talking about it because it was like, oh, I guess you're running for president. I was like, uh, yeah, kind of. Um, it's Chris's idea. And the teacher that was organizing it, I think she was a science teacher. I remember she came and got me or tapped me on the shoulder that day and was like, Well, it looks like you've you know thrown your hat in the ring. I was like, uh, yeah, that's what it that's what it appears. It's what they tell me. And uh so I officially ran, put my name in, and I think it was like a two-week you know election cycle, something very short. Uh, I had to record a video with my like campaign promises. I'd love to see that again. Uh anyway, so election day comes. I'm expecting to get you know completely smoked. And I won in a landslide. Uh wasn't even close. I think I got like 70 votes, second place got maybe 25 or 30. Uh third place, there was only there's three of us um that got you know very few votes. So I won overwhelmingly, and that was great, except it wasn't because I didn't I wasn't planning on winning. It was like, ha ha ha, this plan is not going, it's supposed to be over now, and it's just getting started. So I went to the teacher and I said to her, I was like, all right, well, uh obviously this I was just kidding, and I didn't think this would actually happen. Uh I guess it is a statement, a testament to the power of branding, and putting my name everywhere, and I you know got into people's subconscious for a brief moment and and got too many votes. Um so if you just want to go ahead and give it to the girl that finished second, that would be that'd be great. And she was like, no, no. You ran, you won, you are now student council president. I was like, all right. So anyway, I went along with it. Fortunately, it wasn't too bad. I really didn't have to do much. I ran a monthly meeting in her classroom. Uh we eventually there there were other elections. There was like a treasurer and a vice president, things of that nature. So a handful of us would would meet in her classroom and discuss whatever. We I don't recall doing anything, getting anything accomplished, but anyway, we met. So it was pretty it was good. It was fine. It looked good in my resume. So I don't know, two or three weeks left in the school year. It was like May of the following year. And I was walking down the hallway and she was like, Oh, just wanted to uh well I see you here, reminded me, uh, don't forget that you need to start working and practicing uh giving your speech. And I was like, hmm. Well, see, that sounded a lot like you said the word speech. Uh my hearing's pretty good, and we're pretty close, we're standing pretty close to each other, so I'm pretty sure I heard that correctly. But I I I know you didn't say speech, so could you say that one more time? She was like, Yeah, as the outgoing student council president, you're gonna give a speech at awards night, and that'll be in front of the entire ninth grade class and all their parents in the gym. It's your tradition, outgoing, that's kind of your final act as president. And I was like, huh. Um, how am I just now hearing about this? Uh that seems like something you've known for a while, especially since you just said that it was something that happened every year. Um, hmm. Spee uh Yeah, I'm not gonna I don't have to do that, right? I don't have to give a speech in front of my entire class and their parents, right? That's that seems excessive. Um was there an email thing back then? Oh, it wasn't. Um, all right, okay, yeah, fine. All right, speech. So I get home, I call my friend Chris. I'm like, hey, listen, you're not done. You got me into this. Now you have to get me out. I have to give a speech at awards night. And he laughs. He's like, ah, it'll be fine. He was like, I'll write it for you. So come over to my house, we'll come up with some ideas. So I did, and you know, he was brilliant with words, so he wrote a great speech, I'm sure. And I gave him some ideas about what I had done through the year, and then you know, he typed it up, and I was like, Well, this is fine, but I can't give this. I can't get in front of these people and talk. Like, I've I can't. He was like, All right, well, maybe you can read it and just write it all down. Take here's the final copy, just write it all in index cards, and then you can just like read the index cards. You won't have to like memorize it, and it won't be like a true presentation. So I asked the teacher if that was alright. She said, That's fine. Well, I mean that again, that was better than you know, having to get up there and just speak, but I was still terrified. So I still remember remember so visible vividly, I'm standing outside the gym and the awards ceremony was going on, and there was like this entryway where you like a almost like a holding look like area. Um, and if you walked out of the gym, that led to just like open hallway where they would have like concessions if there was a game. And then if you walk the other way, that put you like into the gym. So I had to, I was in the holding area, I had to walk kind of across the gym floor till maybe mid half court, and um the lectron was there, and whoever was like the MC was introducing. So now I'm standing there and I'm I'm so nervous, and I have all my note cards, and I I've looked through them. I don't know how many note cards there were, a lot. Um, and I had it was word for word the entire speech. And I don't know how long it was, we'll say five minutes. I don't know. So he introduces me, and I barely walk from where I was across the floor, and I I get to the lecture and I I looked up one time. I made eye contact with the audience one time the entire time I was up there, which wasn't very long. Felt like an eternity, and I remember looking out, and again, you know, I mean it was a with junior high, it wasn't that many kids. I mean maybe I don't know, a hundred if that, and they weren't all even there. So you're you know, probably talking like 75 kids and then you know one or two parents. So we'll we'll call it a hundred, hundred and fifty people max. Felt like twenty-five thousand. Like I might as well have been to Chicago Stadium. Um terrified. I didn't even know if any words were gonna come out. So I looked up once, I looked back down at the note cards and I started reading it. Now, there were commercials when I was a kid, almost nobody listening to this will probably remember this, but there were commercials at the time around this time, 8990, for a toy called Micro Machines. And this guy talked really quickly describing the toy, and at the very end, he said, if it's not micro machines, it's not the real thing. And he talked that fast. I channeled that guy, that actor, doing those commercials, and I read that speech as if I was doing a micro machine commercial, and I read it exactly that fast. If it's not micro machine, it's not the real thing. I was there a young student council president, and that's what we did this year. And I just I just sped read it, like one card after another after another, we're gone. Probably 45 seconds, maybe a minute, probably not even that long. Didn't look up, didn't say thanks, boom, gone. I got done, I basically sprinted off the gym floor. I would say if it's recorded, which it's not, easily one of the worst speeches ever. Like it wasn't even really a speech. I don't even know how I got through it. I don't know how words came out. I was that I was that nervous. I just was like, there's no way. Like this I can't do this. But it came and went. I didn't think much of it. Other than I was thrilled that it was over. Fortunately, I didn't really have to give any talks. And when I was in high school, we'd have to do like group presentations or even solo presentations were a thing. Um the next time I remember having to speak was my sophomore year of college, and I was a biology major, but they one of the classes we had to take was just a basic communications class, and it was essentially it was a speech class. I had to give three speeches, uh like a how-to speech. I did that on how to hit a golf shot uh with a nine-iron. Um there was like a persuasive speech. I think I did that on multi-level marketing, trying to get people to sign up for a scam. Not really, but that was just the speech. Uh, I don't remember what the third one was. I was those were all bad too. I was terrified. I mean, this was a this was in a college classroom in front of maybe like eight kids, and the professor was still just awful. And I'm sure all three were terrible. Um my senior year, I was at a different college, and to graduate in biology, you took a one-hour seminar class, and the only thing you did is you gave a 20-minute talk. So there were like 13 kids in the class. You literally showed up week one, drew a number, whatever number you drew, that's the week you gave your presentation. Everybody else had to show up because you got there was incentives to grade the other students so that kept people showing up so you weren't giving a speech to just yourself and the professor. Uh I drew two, so I meant I had to go the or I'm sorry, I drew one, I meant I had to go the next week. So I had seven days to prep this speech, which I did poorly. And I remember it still, we didn't have PowerPoint back then. It was like the uh laminate, like the clear paper, and you put it like on the screen, and then the screen looked down on that paper and then projected it up. I don't know what that was called, but that's what we that's what I used. Um, the like marker, like sharpie type stuff on it. I think it was erasable though. Anyway, prep that one week, 20 minutes. I kind of practiced it. It was also bad. The professor doesn't show up, so I'm like super nervous. I'm in class, everybody knows it's my turn. Professor doesn't show up before cell phones, no immediate you know, alert. And um so came when it turns out he was in like a minor fender bender, couldn't make it, showed up the next week, and then I went first, gave mine, and then whoever was supposed to go that week uh gave theirs, and then I was done. Um I did it again, terrified. I'm sure it was awful. I got a I think I got like a B. Whatever. It was over. Um now my first when I graduated from college, my first, I won't call it a real job because that was I have a lot of multi-level marketing experience, but that was kind of a pyramid type scheme too. I was door-to-door advertising, and you're supposed to like, you know, be good at it, then build a team, and then they were good at it, then you got promoted. Classic pyramid. Uh, but it was knocking on people's doors, selling they were$20 advertising cards. Now I was really bad, like really bad for two weeks, and I should have quit and they should have fired me. I stuck with it and actually got pretty good. I ended up doing that job for five months. Um, and I really got it down and became like one of the better salespeople. Um now that did help me come out of my shell, but that was really more socially um like not so much public presentation, more just like in a crowd or like at a party or out at a bar or something. I was I became more comfortable talking then, but again, not to get up and speak or present. Um so that you know, and I was in my early 20s, and then you know, jobs came and went from that point on. I was still I was in sales, but again, just different. No, it wasn't like I never felt like I was getting up and presenting. I was just giving like I was trying to sell something and that was it. So I went back to school when I was 35 to get my MBA, and might as well just called that a master's in speech uh program because we ended up giving, I ended up giving about 20, I want to say like 22, maybe 25 presentations in two and a half years. It was seven classes or 14 classes, two uh seven semesters, two and a half years at night, um, small cohort, maybe ten or twelve people. But we gave a ton of presentations, solo group, uh sometimes two people group, sometimes multiple person group. Um and I remember the first one I had to give was part of like maybe three people, three of three or four of us total. Now again, I'm 35 years old. And I was even talking about pharmaceuticals, which I had worked in that industry for almost five years in sales, so I knew the industry quite well. And I believe I was just talking about something that like I had experience doing. I didn't have to like research, I had to memorize it. I was terrified. I I was standing up in front of this, it was a small classroom in a church, again, 10, 12 people, or not that many, because three or four were up there with me. So, you know, even less in the it was an econ class, the professor. My part was awful. Um, I think I wrote it down. I did present it, but like my voice was shaky, I was sweating, I didn't have any confidence. I'm sure my voice didn't project. Like it was bad. Like, I I mean I think I can still remember. It was like, oh god, it was so bad. Now we had to give enough of them again over this two and a half year period. By the time I was finished, so it would have been, you know, whatever, two and a half years later. My very last one was a solo presentation. It was in like a technology class, and I I had to do a report. It was on like leadership and tech failures, and there was a story from like Australia many years ago. And so I did the report, my presentation on this project that was a complete disaster. And I gave it, it was like 20, 25 minutes. It was on my own, and that was pretty good. Like I felt pretty good, you know, basically in front of the same kids, the people that I've been going to school with. Uh and I remember when I was done, the professor thanked me, and then he said he also enjoyed the sarcasm in which I delivered the presentation because I was making fun of these Australian, there was like a water company or something, and it was just all these really bad decisions and the project just you know over budgeted and never completed and all this stuff. And I was just I was just making fun of them. So he said he really enjoyed it. So I was like, all right, so I finally got at age 37, I was finally comfortable kind of talking in my normal my normal voice and giving a presentation. Twenty take 25 at the end of the MBA program. I finally felt like I'd made some progress. Um, but then that was it. Then I went back, you know, still working in regular nine to five jobs, and I I just really didn't have to talk a lot, like I didn't have to give presentations. Um, and then you know, around 2015 was when it really hit me, I was 40 and you know, stuck in you know cubicle type jobs that I was not happy in. And I just remember thinking like I had all this potential, and I didn't really know what it meant, but I was like, I I just want to do something else, more different. I can't just plug these numbers into a spreadsheet forever. Um, but I yeah, I didn't know what that meant. And so I was reading self-personal, you know, growth, self-help books, and I was listening to podcasts, a lot of rich roll podcasts, and uh, you know, I'd hired career coaches and seeing a therapist and all this stuff. And again, that was helpful, but nothing nothing moved me, and it was all kind of staying like in the same sandbox that I had been playing in, you know, in 20 years. Um and then in the summer of 23 I started posting on LinkedIn, and I think that really was like the key to start unlocking the whole puzzle was creating content, which was really outside the box for me. I had no social media profile, no Facebook, uh certainly no TikTok. Uh I did have a Twitter account, I never posted. I was I did not have an Instagram account. Uh I had a LinkedIn account, but I did a it didn't it was like virtual resume like most people. I rarely ever commented. Certainly didn't create any comment was on someone else's post, like basically congratulations on a job or new. Job or promotion. Um no original content. But summer 23, for whatever reason, I started creating content. I started telling stories, and I kind of felt like I had kind of this all this experience for my kind of disgruntled work career and I played a lot of sports and I'd done some racing and triathlons. My kids were getting older and all this stuff. So I thought, okay, I have I have a well of resources, I have a well of stories, I'll start telling some of them. Um and it seemed to resonate. People seem to like some of them, and you know, they were coming back and like good storytelling and all this stuff. So I was like, all right, I'm getting closer. And then you know, I started my first podcast, The Real You. That was in March of 24. So that lasted 40 episodes, and now I've launched this one, um, which is still you know pretty early, about a month old. But the comfort that I had in speaking really, I don't know, it felt different. Uh like talking now, talking on the show. I've been a guest on 14 podcasts, um, no issues. I would present now, I wouldn't even think about it. Like if somebody called me today and said, we need you tomorrow in a in a classroom setting or a college, uh, like a bigger venue, uh auditorium or theater, that type of crowd, no problem. Uh, if somebody was like, We need you at you know, Gainbridge where the pacers play in front of 20,000. Like, I mean, I'd be a little nervous. I would prep, but I would not have any hesitation grabbing a microphone or putting a wireless or you know, headset on or whatever and talking. And it could be for five minutes or 45. Like this keynote that I've created, or some stand-up stories, or just stories on my background, or what it doesn't matter. I I would do it. I wouldn't even hesitate. I would I would say yes immediately. Um, it's complete full circle, it's a complete 180 from that feeling. And how it really came together, the reason I'm even telling this these stories now, and why I'm writing about it, is I had a guest on my podcast, uh, it was a couple weeks ago, uh, Carolyn Warsham. Her episode's gonna come out in a couple days. And during our podcast, which was started we started talking about anger because she wrote this brilliant Substack article on anger, and that really resonated with me because I'd carried a lot of anger for uh a long time in my life, so that's a different story than this. But anyway, I had her on and we were just talking, and she said something about because I'd mentioned being quiet as a kid and you know, not speaking up. She was like, Isn't that really interesting that like you were this quiet kid and you didn't want to use your voice? But now that's kind of like kind of where you're headed. Like you've started multiple podcasts. I did six minutes of stand-up comedy last year. Um, you know, this podcast is now on YouTube. You know, I've done this a couple solo episodes. She was like, now you're using your voice voluntarily. Isn't that interesting? And I was like, Oh, yeah, kind of is. Still hadn't still hadn't really put it together, and I did not immediately think of that story when I was 14 with the awards night speech. And then a little bit later in the podcast, she hit me with this quote, and she said, The thing that was terrifying when we were kids is the thing that we're most meant to heal as an adult. And when she said it, it was like the most profound thing I'd ever heard. Like the biggest light bulb went off. And I was immediately I mean, like the second she said it, I was immediately transported to that junior high gym when I was 14. Terrified. Talking like the micro machine guy, giving the worst presentation ever. And I was like, that was it. Like I was so that was it. That was what I was the most terrified of. I mean snakes. But yeah. I'm not gonna become a snake handler, so we're gonna scrap that one. But that speech was the most nervous I'd ever been. Like I I still I can't tell you how clearly I remember it. Thirty thirty-six years later, I can do I just picture the whole thing. And I was like, that's a like that's that was what I was most meant to heal. And here we are to three and a half decades later. Now I talk anywhere. I would start multiple podcasts, I would do stand-up comedy anywhere. I'd give any speech in front of any group, any size, anywhere, with very little notice. No problem. Again, I'd be a little nervous, but I'd be fine. I got figured out. And I would try to make it entertaining, I would try to make it insightful, I would try to make sure that the people that were there enjoyed it, got something out of it. If they didn't, at least I would know that I tried. I hijacked the podcast episode for three or four minutes because I had to stop and be like, I had to tell her the story. I was like, because we hadn't talked about that. I was like, oh yep, well, you have no idea how profound that quote was. Let me tell you about this. And then I you know, I quickly you know told her. So we kind of got off topic a little bit from the anger angle, but um, yeah, I don't know. It was just it was a huge light bulb, and I've been working on it for the last couple weeks and crafting an entire keynote. And what I ended up calling it was the fear that formed me, because that was it. Like that's that story from the gym when I was 14, I didn't realize it. That had been running underneath the surface the whole time. Um, and I didn't think about it. I mean, I would occasionally tell the story, but you know, it didn't come up that I was that nervous that night, and now here we are all these years later, and you know, that was the thing that I was now healing, um, and now really wanting to be good at, to be great at, and to do full time, right? Um so yeah. So I don't know, I challenge you, think back, you know, going back through your childhood, formative years. Um can you identify something that you were really afraid of? Didn't want to do, uh, couldn't do, um, I don't know, whatever it might be, and then start seeing if you can find that, you know, through the rest of your life. Did it keep shallow going? And have you figured it have you figured that out now? And and if you haven't, like, is there a way to heal it? Because I don't know. I think there's something there's a lot of truth um in overcoming that fear. And I lived with it for most of my life. I was terrified to take any step that seemed not in line with the normal, right? Get a job, get or get a degree, four-year, get a job, grind those out, uh, collect those W-2 paychecks, try to save some money in a 401k. Doesn't really matter if you're happy at your job. Enjoy your nights and weekends, um, enjoy that week in the summer when you take a vacation, right? Just a very normal script uh that was prescribed for a lot of us. And underneath all of that, it never felt right, but I did it. And continue to do it in some ways. But it's different now. And I have a bigger, I have an end goal in mind now. It isn't hope, it doesn't feel hopeless. It doesn't feel like, yeah, this is it. I'll never do anything else. Now it's like if I have to do that, I'll do it. I don't know for how long. But that's not the that's not the big big it's not the big picture. It's not the it's not the end goal anymore. So that's uplifting. That provides hope. Um so yeah, hopefully this resonates and gives you something to think about. Um and you'll hear the episode with Carolyn. Uh this I'm recording this on Monday, the 15th. Her episode comes out on Thursday, uh the 18th, so you'll hear that conversation with her, which is a great conversation covering you know a variety of topics, but we centered it around her Substack post on anger, and then that quote came up. And that's why we're here. So uh that'll do it for today. Uh thanks for listening. Uh, this has been The Underlayer where the Real Story Lives. Uh, if this episode resonated, please follow the show on Spotify or Apple. I think those are the only two places anyone listens to the podcast. But if there's any place else, you know, if you can if you can follow it, give it a five star rating if you approve. Um subscribe. You know, it's on YouTube as well. Uh it helps other people find the show and allows you to get the episodes as soon as I release them. So we'll get this wrapped up and I'll get this uploaded later today, uh, and it will be out tomorrow. So thanks for listening, and we'll see you next time on the underlayer.